It was 1994. I was on a muddy football pitch in South Manchester. My team was playing a pre-season friendly, and playing very badly. We were unfit, unfocused, and unmotivated. I was angry.
Something needed to be done. I chose to vent my anger on the midfield, in particular, on one of our key players, Ollie. Usually, he was a powerhouse of a player. Full of energy, strong, and determined. An excellent tackler. One of those players every team needs. On that day, however, he was slow, lacklustre, and ineffective. Playing in central defence as I was, I was able to survey the field and identify him as the key problem. I began shouting. Louder and louder. I was calling out his mistakes and demanding more commitment.
It made no difference, except to damage my voice and my friendship with Ollie.
Our left-winger, Gary, pulled me aside from the huddle at half-time. He looked at me quizzically and asked what on earth I thought I was doing, shouting at Ollie. He said it was out of character for me. Why was I singling Ollie out? The entire team was playing ineffectively, anyway.
I was shocked firstly that he would challenge me, and secondly to realise he was right.
I don’t remember the result. What I do remember is that I apologised to Ollie, and our friendship was preserved. That day, I learned three key lessons.
1. Remember the goal
The goal is to help the team be the best it can be. Not to win. Winning is never in our control, but teamwork is. We needed good relationships after this match (project) was over. We should prioritise relationships more than the result.
2. Ask questions
Usually, I’d ask questions at half-time if we were not playing well. The football wisdom in the team was remarkable. Eleven players see more than one. Ask more than tell. And don’t shout.
3. Allow questions
Gary was the one questioning me. I’m glad he did. He did not tell me to stop shouting at Ollie or to apologise, but by simply questioning my behaviour and the wisdom of it, I gained clarity where previously I had been blind. It’s vital not to let pride get in the way of progress. Insecure leaders take things personally (as I was that day on the pitch) and do not allow questions. More fool us when we do. I’m ashamed I was so obnoxious to Ollie, but I’m glad the culture of our team was one where Gary felt safe to question me.
Supposedly, I was the coach of our team. On that day the most important coaching was done by Gary.
The big question: Is your team allowed to coach you?
I hope so. It might just save your voice and your friendships, and it might even save your team.
If you would like some coaching to develop a mutual-coaching team dynamic, please contact me via this site, and let’s see if I can help.
All the best, Malcolm
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